I was raised by Christian parents and each Sunday would attend church twice a day, but at the same time I was being taken by another relative during the times when he would babysit us which would be on a daily basis at times, to meetings. These meetings I learnt many years later, were Satanic meetings. The abuse began when my parents moved closer to other relatives, I was 3.5 years old.
As a teenager, I misbehaved and caused alot of nightmares for my parents. They didn't know what the problem was and took me to counsellor after counsellor, psychiatrist after psychiatrist to find out why I would behave in such a manner and to make such lies up. How could it be possible for such dreadful things to have happened? This disbelief that I received from my parents just enabled for the abuse to continue, in the extreme, as well as laid in me the belief that everything that I was being taught at these meetings was true. You can't trust no-one and you can't depend on anyone. I was even sent to live with this relative by the courts, to try and control my unruly behaviour. In years to follow, I learnt that during this time that the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) was made, but I was never informed of this diagnoses until my medical records were subpoenaed to the family court hearing years later.
When I was then finally free from the parental home, I soon found myself in an abusive relationship and then a young single mother living in a refuge. During these times I continued to attend my church (that my parents had since stopped attending) and these people became my family. I then went back to university, and gained my degrees in Nursing. I worked in psychiatric nursing for many years. Probably because I was looking for the answers that no one could tell me what was wrong with me, but at the same time it might have been helpful to these professionals, if I had admitted to what was going on inside my head, rather than believing that more people would think I was crazy or evil.
During this time when I was studying, I lost custody of my daughter. It is a long story, but after I was raped by a person known to me, I had a serious suicide attempt. Not the wisest of things to do, but that was the only way I knew of to put an end to all these feelings and to stop all this abuse from happening to me. But this became the beginning of my interaction with not only suicide attempts and admittances to psychiatric units, but also the beginning of my whole life changing. I was finally starting to receive the answers to lifes questions and found that my life wasn't "normal" by any standard. This encouraged me to fight on, to fight for an end to all the abuse..
Once I completed my degree, and started working, I met and married my husband and we now have 3 more children. My eldest daughter I see often and we have such a close relationship despite the fact that she doesn't live with us permanently..
It after the birth of my elder son that I realised that I could no longer forget my past, and that I needed to start dealing with some of those issues. I was referred to a counsellor and quickly realised that this counsellor wasn't just allocated to me, but that God had planned all this. I tested the waters first and slowly was brave enough to finally start trusting someone completely, because finally I found that I WAS believed and the healing journey began. I can never thank this person enough. They have showed me the love that God has for each and everyone of us, and His acceptance of me, no matter what people have done to me or what I had done myself or to others. And so the journey begins.
I learnt that I was an okay person, that I am forgiveable, and that I am lovable, and the biggest of all, that I am not the person that others believe I am. Through this person I learned all this, through her acceptance of me as a person and the continual love and support that she shows to me no matter how many times I slip or fall. I am so thankful that this person has endured so much for me. The countless hours talking to me and praying with me. For the direction when I was lost, and her belief in me. She taught me that there are people that can be trusted and will not abuse or use me but just love me for who I am.
This journey is not over, this fight is not over. There are times still when it can be a daily battle to get through each day, let alone each hour, but with the support and encouragement from others, I know that this battle will be won. For I have already survived so much, that I must believe that this journey of survival is far from over.
I hope that by sharing with you, some of the things that I have learnt on this journey of survival, that I will encourage others to fight, and give them the hope that I spent so many years searching for. By searching and continually fighting to survive, I have learnt that there is a way to get through all of this, and I hope that through these pages that I will give to someone the hope that my special and dear friends have given to me.
Lastly, I want to thank some very special people. To my friends that I have made through this new technology called the internet and who encourage and support me continually, to my two very good friends who shall remain nameless but they know who they are, for the many hours that they have been there for me over the years, at my bleakest moments and sometimes have not even known the dark secrets that were occurring at those times, yet always stood by me no matter what and loved me and continued to show me the love that they have for me, and finally to my husband and children for just being who you are, and allowing me to be a part of your lives and who have taught me so much about myself and have given me a reason to go on fighting this fight for survival and to experience real love. |
